wanting something is cool

please, for the love of god, give yourself permission to WANT.

I like to wrap myself in a blanket of nonchalant. I’ve flopped over to the avoidant attachment side, holding everything I might care about at arms length, as if the proximity to my heart is the only determinant of how much it will sting.

the truth is, everything you want lives on the other side of this fear.

so sometimes I give myself permission to want. I curl up in my bed at the end of a long day, frantically scribbling my brain spaghetti onto paper, nauseous with the level of want that radiates through my bones. most times, it is exhausting to want something to this degree.

I don’t do this often. I’ve tried to plan for the future: a five year plan painted with broad brushstrokes, colouring a place to live or a person to live with. but I’ve long since learned that you can’t control how someone feels about you, and I’ve practiced letting people walk away without putting up a fight.

but I have recently let myself want something where the outcome is uncertain and wholly independent of me. through this, I’ve realised that the act of wanting doesn’t guarantee that you’ll receive it, and no amount of wanting will increase the certainty of the outcome.

there have been times in my life where I have tried to pull off the impossible. I’ve let myself admit that I care, I put my best foot forward, and sometimes I still fail.

I know intuitively that failure is more impressive than success, because failure is proof that you tried. I know that resilience is built by going through hard situations. I know that in the end, I will end up exactly where I need to be, even though I don’t know what that looks like yet. and I also know that none of these mindset shifts make it easier when I want something and I am denied of it.

a dream life that I *want*, via pinterest

in a few hours, I will remind myself that this rejection does not reflect on me or my abilities or worth. I will brush myself off and pick myself back up. I will continue on with my life, knowing that it’s not the wanting that will kill me, but denying myself of wanting anything at all.

but right now, before we get there, I will let myself feel the sting of rejection in its entirety.

it’s so scary to put yourself out there, to admit to yourself and the universe that you want something for your life so badly. but I’ve learned that the best things are on the other side of the fear.

deluding yourself into thinking you don’t care about anything, even when you really do, is worse than the failure itself. refusing to give yourself the opportunity to try, either by never admitting that you want something, or knowing you want something but being too scared to go after it, is doing yourself a disservice.

“maybe in another life…” no, this one big beautiful life is all that you get. so please, untangle yourself from the blanket of nonchalance and give yourself the permission to want.

I hope you have the audacity to want in this lifetime. I hope you give yourself permission to care, even though—and especially because—it is scary. everything worth having in this lifetime depends on you feeling your fear and doing it anyways.

at the end of the day, denying yourself of the opportunity to even try is keeping you small. if you’re ever thinking “when will it be my turn?,” know that the people who have what you want aren’t better than you or smarter than you or richer than you. the differentiating factor between you and where you want to be is the other people gave themselves the permission to dream without reservations and hesitations.

I got rejected from something I wanted today. it has taken me approximately two hours to feel okay again. I went for a walk. I called my parents. I spoke to other people in my support system. I wrote this substack. I took a few deep breaths. I will go to the gym later today. I am proud of myself for admitting to myself that I care about something. I am proud of myself for trying, and even more proud of myself for how I dealt with the failure.

thank you for reading my messy thoughts — the ‘still warm’ takes on society, social media, and navigating adulthood.

if you’re interested in personal wellness, that’s housed here

& see my visual content about being in my 20s on instagram ⭐️

---

the latest warm take to discuss

on culture

on love

on mindset