increasing the tolerance for uncertainty

what receiving yet another paragraph text to end things from the guy I've been seeing means for my relationship to myself and my life.

I received yet another “this isn’t working… wishing you all the best” texts from a guy I’ve been seeing a few days ago. unlike the last one which felt a little out-of-the-blue, this one wasn’t inherently shocking. but still, it never feels great to open a notification to what I’ve aptly named “the paragraph text.” regardless of how much I saw this coming or whatever I’m feeling about the situation irrespective of their perspective, it hurts to be on the receiving end of rejection.

as always, the paragraph text made me spiral a bit. candidly, I’ve always been the one in relationships who sent them, so being the “dumpee” is not a familiar feeling to me. I’ve been on the receiving end of all of these decisions in my past three most ‘meaningful’ relationships* (* = defined as anyone who has made it past a first date in the past year), so yet another one is an unwelcome feeling.

but this time felt different. not because of the wording or the situation — they’re all similar yet different from each other anyways — but because of my spiral reflections.

yes, I had a spiral where my thoughts went to "I am destined to end up alone” and “I’m so frustrated with dating right now” and “what the f* is wrong with me.” but if we’re taking this text at face value (which we always are, because why would I believe in a world where the people I’m talking to lie and manipulate me? call me naive but I’ve been both the former and the latter, and giving people the benefit of the doubt is a more pleasant experience overall), none of these four people ever cited me specifically as the problem.

were they omitting this to be nice? perhaps. how awful of a person would you have to be to send a “it’s not me, it’s YOU” text? but most people didn’t even hit me with the “it’s not you, it’s me” wording. in almost all of these paragraph texts, I’ve been told that it’s circumstantial. that what I call the Big Fat Question Mark (BFQM) of my future is too much uncertainty for them to handle, and they want out.

I don’t know if I believe in the right person, wrong time. I think I used to, especially in the first few months after my ex dumped me. I do know that I believe if someone wants to make it work, they’ll try like hell. I believe this because I’m that type of person, and I’ve tried like hell in previous situations. I leave claw marks on everything.

I also know that receiving this fourth text shows a lot of growth for me. when previously I would also ask for ‘out’ in the first signs of uncertainty, I’ve learned that “I don’t know” is a full and acceptable answer that I am willing to give now.

(before I moan that these boys in my life have a lower threshold for uncertainty than I do, let me drop in with the caveat that the BFQM is from my side. of course I’m the one who has to deal with the grey thinking because it’s my life that’s grey, not theirs. they are well within their right to decide that this uncertainty that I bring along with me is too much for them in this scenario).

so I’ve chosen to stay even when I’m unsure. I’ve decided that the goal is to have fun, and I’m not gunning for a specific outcome. through this, I’ve also increased my tolerance for uncertainty and let go (just a little bit) of my need for control in situations. I’ve learned to befriend the BFQM of my future.

I’m not upset by this paragraph text. if anything, my brain thought “thank god, I also don’t have time for this right now.” for now, I’m saying a Big Fat goodbye to hinge, to dating, and to paragraph texts. and you know what? thank god for that.

thank you for reading my messy thoughts — the ‘still warm’ takes on society, social media, and navigating adulthood.

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